How do you plan motherhood? I am in my 30’s. I think I am ready to take on the next life stages. How do I get ready for something? I plan to know where I am going, imagine what troubles I will encounter, and how to solve them. I do this by imagining scenarios and calculating probabilities.
This way of planning helped me through the years so whatever I plan next should be a calculated risk. All but motherhood.
Journey
I got married when I turned 32. Like in most Filipino families, the next question was “Meron na ba?”. Is the baby underway? Most of the time, I replied with a half-hearted smile to hide my broken heart. Not because I already want to have a baby badly. I was broken-hearted because I was still learning to live with my longtime boyfriend and now husband under one roof. That means we are in the process of finding balance in accepting our imperfections and understanding our characters to refine how we see each other. I was under a lot of pressure.
Despite all the seemingly caring questions, I knew that I was aging and it may cause difficulty bearing a child. What did I do? I consistently worked out, cycled to work daily, ate healthy, and lived life with enthusiasm. Later when we got the hang of things, we decided to have a little one. But months came, nothing has changed.
The next thing we did was to stop cycling. We did that for 6 months.
On the 16th of October, my husband was slicing onions in the kitchen sink. I hugged him tight from behind and showed him the pregnancy test. When I asked him again about that day later, he said he cried because of the onion. Yeah, right.
The week after we learned the good news, we immediately went to OBGYN to finally have our first maternity checkup. I was feeling weak already the previous days. Something felt like going to come out of me every time I would move and stand up. Later, we found out that the fetus’s heartbeat is lower than what is normal. We were confronted with the fact that the pregnancy may not progress. That scene in the doctor’s clinic is still fresh in my head even to this day. I couldn’t stop the water flowing out of my eyes. I looked at my husband helplessly. Our doctor didn’t mince her word, but she said “I need to say this so you will take this pregnancy seriously. Your body is rejecting the fetus.” That’s the best I can remember that day.
Was it my age? What should we do? What else did we miss? Questions piled up in my head more quickly than answers. On the way home, I asked my husband if we could change our doctor, but he was persistent that the best doctor would not baby tell me the reality of my condition, so we stuck with her until later.
38 weeks.
You are reading something fresh from my heart if you are reading this on May 19, 2024. Today is my favorite day from that sad and heart-breaking day at the doctor’s clinic until today.
We are going to name our baby boy Ethan Sky. We hope our first offspring will enjoy life boldly, at peace, and as free as he can be. I, we, are now thankful that we will be celebrating our firstborn in 3 weeks.
Lesson
I thought that life would unfold by assuming how life would be. As time marches on, reality sets in. I lack enough imagination to list all the possible pros and cons of what may happen next, of what may happen in this stage called motherhood. I forgot that certain things are beyond my control, and I am limited by what springs to my mind to foresee the future. I can plan as much as I want, but nothing is guaranteed. I can only be humble and have faith that whatever will happen will all work out fine. What was that recent event in your life that did not go as you planned?
Helpful Links
Dream | Your Thinking Creates Your Reality
The Art of Thinking Clearly by Rolf Dobelli
Francis J. Kong – Inspiring Excellence
Libot Tayo by Ly Alberto – If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It
How Motherhood Changes You
