“My longtime friend messaged me a few days ago, almost a month after I gave birth to my baby, “Hello Ly! Congratulations sainyo ni AG! I hope you are getting better and adjusting well sa new role mo as a mum. Don’t forget to take care of yourself para mas maalagaan si baby.” At the end of the message is a heart emoticon. The message sincerely touched my heart.
I replied, “Many days, I’m happy and in awe of the beauty of motherhood, on some other days, I drag myself around half-naked. Freeing the milk source that my baby would need in unpredictable hours of the day seems sensible. But mostly because the brassieres are annoyingly rubbing my aching nipples and swelling chest and I’m running out of top from the crazy leakage caused by the breastmilk. The spill also leaves an oil stain. I didn’t know that milk leaves an oil stain.
Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding, the Mother in Charge
It is almost a month after I gave birth, and this season of my life has never been more real. Motherhood is harder than I imagined, not as close as described in the books I read and stories I heard. I know people would say to take some time out for myself, but I don’t see how in this season of being needed by a tiny human. I would love an unhurried bath and a full 8 hours of sleep. Make that 12. I’m more tired than those nights I spent reviewing for my college exams, more than those nights I spent thinking about how to clean up years of messed up energy data needed in the next morning’s report.
I thought that the first week of being a mother would never end. My baby would belt out he-he-he in no time until we figured out the 2 to 3-hour feeding interval. It’s not a laugh but a cry that his tummy needs a refill. Sleep was non-existent. I cried pitying myself in the corner of our bedroom before the first week ends. Yes, the first week has an end.
But you know what, at the same time, I’m crazy in love with the tiny features of the little human I gave birth to. I could watch him make the o-face for many minutes and get lost in time in his smiles and coos, his adorable sneeze, and his monstrous burp. It’s funny that he looks like his father, but I carried him for 9 months. I think that there’s somehow a glitch in the process. Where’s the proof of my contribution? All the same, that makes me more annoyed and in love with his dad.
After almost a month of being a mother, I feel like I should be doing more but I’m already always in a hurry. My mind is all over the place. But despite feeling this way, everything feels like I have unlocked a hidden passage of unlimited memories just like in the game of Mario and Luigi. The only difference is that I only have one shot at it. No repeat. This is not a game.
Motherhood is overwhelming but fulfilling.
And some days I feel empty. Does this make sense?
All of this is real, all happening now. This is my own story of motherhood and I’m feeling different emotions all at the same time.
So right now, I’m not ready to have visitors. My place is a mess. I know it can wait, but I don’t want to rush myself more than I can handle. I miss you; I miss going out with friends, and a lot more, I really do. I’ll see you soon. Thanks for checking in.”
… only in my head.
I typed these words instead, “Hola. Yes, puyat and happy. Sounds crazy but I am. 😊 Sulit naman. Thank you for checking in on me. Hugs to you.”
Then, I hit the send button.
I often cut -out all the words I want to say and filter them because I don’t want them to feel like I have so much to say. But I have so much to say. In this season of my life, I want to try again to be more open and to share my story. I know life is short, and I want to be heard.
